Teaching mindfulness to young boys could be the key to world peace.
Teaching mindfulness to young boys could be the key to world peace.
OK, so this is a big and radical idea. Stay with me. Recently, I’ve been thinking about why I am motivated to share mindfulness with young people and their caregivers. To put it simply, I truly believe that some of the major tragedies in the world, and even more specifically, in our country, stem from the inability to navigate discomfort. I think mindfulness helps us navigate discomfort in a way that prevents us from harming ourselves or others.
Take two of the biggest examples of tragedies in our lifetime: gun violence and the opioid crisis. What is the motivation or the primary factor that leads to someone harming themselves and/or others? Is it access to guns or drugs? Is it undiagnosed mental illness? Let’s go deeper than that. What happens before someone accesses something dangerous and harmful? They need to have the motivation to get it. Where does that motivation stem from?
I used to think I was the only one having these thoughts, until I started the book I’m reading called, “For the Love of Men.” This book, written by Liz Plank, has put many of my thoughts into words. In her book she writes,
“If you stop to think about it, you realize how astounding it is that we all innately understand the fact that men are responsible for the vast majority of violent acts across the worlds as inevitable. But what if we wrote a different script for men? How could we better prevent our world’s darkest problems if we addressed the link between men’s isolation and their disproportionate radicalization? If we viewed their violent outbursts as a weakness, rather than a strength, perhaps we’d properly pathologize rather than normalize the astronomical amount of male violence across the world.”
Now, let’s not ignore the fact that we’re starting to normalize the understanding that gender is a social construct, as well as a spectrum. It’s becoming commonplace and inclusive to add pronouns to social media handles and email signatures. This is progress. And it’s only the beginning.
As a mom of a male child, I am constantly asking myself, how can I offer my son an opportunity to stay connected to himself? As Liz Plank mentioned, how can I write a different script for him? Different than the one that has been passed down for generations?
When I come back to the idea of someone harming themselves or another, I think of someone losing control or flipping their lid. This makes me think of a child having a tantrum. How can we put practices into place for our children to support their tantrums? It doesn’t mean we have to prevent tantrums from ever happening. That’s not realistic. Instead of fixing or solving everything, we can empower our kids with tools. But what kind of tools can we give our kids when life makes them feel an emotion other than happy? As humans, this is going to happen. We need to be able to support our children when it does.
In moments where we flip our lid, or act in a way we may later regret, we’re operating from our sympathetic nervous system. This is the state we need to be in when we are in a life or death situation, i.e. running from a lion, etc. This is a useful state to be in, when there’s actually a threat. But we don’t want to live in this state constantly – and so many of us do!!
Luckily, there is a way to train our bodies to operate from the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest state) more often. Techniques such as yoga and mindfulness help us tap into our parasympathetic nervous system, so we can be in a state of ease more often.
When we are operating from the sympathetic nervous system, we’re also operating from a part of our brain called the amygdala. The amygdala is responsible for responding to dangerous stimuli. Often times, when we act in a way we may later regret, i.e. having an outburst of violence, it’s because our brain was operating from that place.
In order to prevent us from flipping our lid or overreacting, we need to be operating from the Prefrontal Cortex. This is the part of the brain that is responsible for our ability to focus, understand cause and effect, and to see the big picture. Activating our parasympathetic nervous system (i.e. with mindful breathing or yoga) helps us to operate from this part of the brain. This part of the brain isn’t fully developed in children. Therefore, when we are asking our kids to focus or calm down, it’s much harder for them to do that, because that part of the brain isn’t fully developed. It’s also impossible for our kids to do this if they are operating from their amygdala. This is where our mindfulness practice comes in handy as parents, caregivers, etc. because it gives our kids an opportunity to co-regulate and for us to model how to manage big feelings.
Now, this is applicable to all kids across gender identity. But what has happened over time, for those who identify as boys or men, is we, as a society, treat them differently. We expect boys to more readily “stop crying” or to “be strong” or to “get over it”. What would happen if we replaced these unhelpful, unrealistic and quite honestly, toxic expectations with modern, mindful and realistic expectations and communication?
When a boy is crying we can say, “I’m listening and I’m here for you.”
When a boy feels scared we can say, “It’s OK to be scared. You’re safe and you’ll know when you’re ready.”
When a boy feels hurt we can say, “I’m sorry you’re hurting right now. I’m here with you.”
“Because it’s at the root of so many institutional problems, altering the way we raise men and boys could literally change the world. Although the concept of world peace feels so impossible that it only comes out of the mouths of beauty pageant contestants, researchers who have examined wide and extensive global data sets have found that one factor seems to act as a shield for violence and warfare: gender equality.” -Liz Plank
Instead of trying to minimize a young boy’s emotional experience, what would happen if we validated it? What could be possible if we allowed boys to cry? What would happen to our world if we gave boys permission to feel? Would this not be the best Father’s Day gift to all the future fathers?
These are my summer solstice musings. On the day with the longest amount of light, I’m inspired by the potential of a world full of light. On Father’s Day, I am particularly inspired by the example my husband sets for our son. Deep love and compassion for all the dads with an inner child looking for a little love, compassion and validation. I see you. Let’s rewrite the script.